Outspokenmom blog

Really, how much cereal do we have to spill?!

Yep, whole kitchen looks like this around walls and cabinets, awesome!

I have come to some conclusions over the past day or two, some are easier to swallow than others, some are just plain annoying and others, well they are conclusions I didn’t realize until recently and they break my heart.

First of all, the light hearted ones.  I have come to the conclusion that I will never have a ‘finished’ home, or an adult home unless I get off my Arss and do it ALL or, we are someday wealthy enough for me to have ’staff’.    See, I live in a trash house, my house is falling apart all around me, I have mice because holes from construction 3 years ago have never been covered, areas that were never fully painted, trim that was never put up, and cabinets that were installed wrong and won’t be fixed until we remodel again.  Sigh.  I really don’t like it, I don’t want to do it all, but apparently my DH doesn’t want to either.    I have so much dirt on my hardwoods they don’t even come clean anymore.  My garage is literally falling apart and is so packed with crap, most of which is broken, it looks like we are hoarders.  It seems no matter how much I throw or give away, no room empties out, no closet is organized or has room, no area is truly ‘clean’. 

I have come to the conclusion I am a pushover.  I have actually known this my whole life, I don’t like confrontation and will do anything to avoid it…which is really weird because I am a total ‘yeller’.  I find myself often ’snapping’ not because of what has happened at that very moment, but all the things I have stuffed way down deep, well similar to my house, there isn’t anywhere else to ’stuff’ it to. 

I have come to the conclusion that I have been extremely let down by stuff.  I am an upbeat person, it takes a lot to get me down, however after all the things I have watched with my government (personally) with my husbands company, a good close friend going to jail, and seeing first hand how idiotic our federal government (IRS, FBI, SEC, and more) is…well, I am sort of numb.  See, I am overall a trustworthy person, if you say it, I believe it. (For the most part).  If you tell me you are going to do something, I believe you, if you tell me you aren’t going to do something, I believe that too.  Which leads to another conclusion that I have known for a while, I am no longer the ‘bleeding heart’ Liberal I once was.   Believe it or not, it has been the years of financial frustration, trying to get ‘help’ from the government and trying to do things ‘by the book’ only to be f’d over or told, we are doing it wrong (even though we did EXACTLY what they said) or just flat out having them tell us, “We know you are right, however we have more money and will fight it until you run out.”  Wow.  Talk about an f you!  So, I find myself becoming more and more conservative, more and more ugh, gasp, maybe a Republican!  I have been conservative pretty much since I had children, meaning…I am well, conservative!  No affiliation to anyone, just we are a bit more modest/conservative in our home, we believe in good ole fashioned family values and I have found myself fighting for my rights as a mother to even have a say sometimes in how I raise my children. 

I don’t want your laws, your rules, and your thoughts on how I should raise MY children.  If I wanted your help, I would ask.  Listen, people have been raising children right or wrongly for thousands of years without the government, activists, or human interest groups telling them how to do it.  I don’t abuse my children, but I am not vehenemly opposed to spankings, groundings, taking things away (including dinner) and things like that.   If I believe my children are old enough and mature enough to stay at home for an hour while I run to the store, that is MY choice, MY decision, NO ONE, NO ONE knows my children better than I do.  If I think my children should do chores around the house and NOT get an allowance for doing things that are just a part of being a family, MY choice!   If I think my children are old enough to ride their bikes around the neighborhood, go to the park, walk/bike to school, or run to the grocery store for me by themselves, that should mean something!

Ok, finally my biggest conclusion (which I am sure won’t be my biggest or my last).  I just came to the conclusion…ugh that breaks my heart…I am really upset that I have a special needs child.  Blech.  Just typing that out made me cry, but it is true.  I just realized the other day at the pool watching my son, I absolutely HATE it (and I don’t use that word lightly) that he isn’t ‘normal’.  I love him with all my heart, he is the neatest guy in the world, and has been such a blessing in my life, I can’t believe I can even think these thoughts!  It is really hard for me to accept his being special needs.  He looks normal, most of the time he acts normal, why can’t he just be normal?!   I just realized why I get so angry at him, it isn’t when he is truly being a ‘naughty boy’, it is usually when he is exhibiting his “Asperger’s Traits”.    I am SO MAD that he acts like that!  I want to fix him, I want all the money, time, effort we have put into him, I have put into him, I want him to just act like all the other children out there.  I don’t want him to be fascinated with water, not because of the messes he makes, because he just sits there and stares at the water, or he makes waves in the pool just to get water on the pool deck.  Then he jumps out of the pool, onto the deck, to watch the water flow down the cement to the drain.  Why?!  Why can’t he just swim in the water, enjoy the water, why does he have to ‘watch’ the water?!

Oh, it has taken me 9 1/2 years to realize this and I don’t like it.  I feel like an unfit mother, I feel like I am ‘anti’ my son.  I am crushed I could even think these things.  Ha, when I finally admited all of this to my husband when we were at the pool, he looked at me and said, “Those are all the things I love about that goofy guy.”  Then, he said, “Do you think you want…to maybe go to a group, like a support group?”  I looked at him quickly and he started to laugh, knowing before I did what my answer was going to be.  “No, thank you.”  I don’t need a support group, really that isn’t what I need, I think I have just all these years thought I would/could ‘cure’ him.  I thought if I spent enough on vitamins/supplements, fed him the right food, kept chemicals away from him, he would sort of just ‘get better’.    By no means does my coming to this conclusion mean he still won’t get vitamins/supplements, Organic/Free Range foods, be allowed to have chemicals around him or drink out of plastic cups again..I have learned my lesson with those things, they are just plain bad for everyone.  But crap, I have a special needs child and nothing, NOTHING is going to change that.  No amount of prayer, no amount of therapy, wishing, praying more, anything, nothing is going to change that he will always struggle, he will always be different, and my heart will always ache just a little  bit watching him go through life. 

I pictured my life with a house full of boys, I pictured my life sitting on the sidelines of fields, freezing in hockey arena’s, watching my boy(s) play football, baseball, and hockey.  I pictured an endless array of games, sporting equipment and friends.  Oh the friends.  I ache mostly for my son because he desires so much to have friends and it just doesn’t happen easy for him.  He is very similar to his mommy that way, and it hurts me the most when I look back at my childhood and how lonely and weird I felt growing up, I just would do anything to not let him go through that, to feel those feelings, to struggle in school and ugh…it just sucks!  Why can’t everyone see my little boyfriend for who he is?  He is awesome, he is really funny, darn cute, and well a bit quirky!  I love that guy so much, I wish I could take all his pain away, I wish I could make him ‘normal’ but I can’t and that just plain SUCKS!  Aren’t I as mom supposed to be able to fix everything?!  (With exception to the garage, hole in my kitchen floor, and putting up trim.)  Shouldn’t I be able to get him friends, interest him in sports, and stop him from watching water?! 

Yuck…I think I just figured out the crappy part of being ‘mom’. 

Blessings to you all,
-Liza

Tags: Asperger's, parenting

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